when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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