I think I won the penis lottery.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.