I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
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please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed