I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...