I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
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I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
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the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me