I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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