Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
