So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
