My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
thus making me awesome and them whores
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
