Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
