This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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