She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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