hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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