You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
