Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
