Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
