her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
