We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
