The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
