i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
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i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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