My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
