when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
