theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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