upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
