maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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