My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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