i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
