Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
