Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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