bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Congratulations! We have a period
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
