I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
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