If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
