mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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