i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
