He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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