I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
