I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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