I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Found your dick twin last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
