I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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