Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
