Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
