Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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