Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
