today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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