I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
