And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
