A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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