hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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