he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
