So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
