The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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