I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
