I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
