i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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