i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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