You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
