I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
