Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
