I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
God, I missed his penis.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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