seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
